Weddings and love
So the festivities are over and my beautiful sister Michelle is now married. I promise to dedicate a full posting on the wedding, perhaps complete with a picture or two if I get clearance from the bride, but first comes the oh so important philosophical post about the nature of love, which is a requirement when a landmark event comes around.
In addition to the wedding, there are some other recent events (and even blog postings) that have once again brought the qestions of what is love? how do I find it? and how do I know that it's real? into the forefront.
Sometimes the raw emotion makes it obvious. The groom's crying during this weekend's ceremony comes to mind. It was really quite touching to watch, and quite frankly, I would not be at all surprised if the tears flow from my eyes on the day I get married. Tears of joy have got to be some of the most undeniably real things this life has to offer...and they are to be cherished.
But love is crazy....and as much as I wish it was, I'm afraid it is not completely black and white.
A post I read recently on somebody's blog put love in those terms. If "X" happens... they love you, if "Y" happens... they don't. And I found myself reading some of them and thinking... "Gee, I can see myself really loving someone in the bottom of my heart, and yet still doing some of the things which are being frowned upon by the writer, and I can see some of the things being lauded by the writer as potentially providing zero evidence as to whether somebody actually loves you."
When I was a kid, I really liked the movie Mrs. Doubtfire. (I know it's not Oscar worthy, but it came out when I was thirteen, so cut me some slack here) But even back then, there was one part of the movie that REALLY bothered me....(and I don't mean the whole man dressing up as a woman to see his kids thing...that's completely normal as far as I'm concerned). No what bothered me was the speech Robin Williams as Mrs. Doubtfire gives at the end of that film to the children of divorcees. HE says ..."Don't blame yourselves. Just because your mother and father do not love each other any more, it doesn't mean they don't love you"
That line thoroughly pissed me off at the time and it still does. While I have never been married, nor divoced, nor have had children, I take issue with the idea that every time a relationship doesn't work it's due to lack of love. Sometimes there are other reasons. I know what it is like to be deeply in love with somebody, yet unable to find a way out of unalterable circumstances which do not bode well for the long term future of the relationship.....and it sucks...and its painful, and there's almost nothing anyone can do about it..., but one thing that was never lacking when I was in that situation was love. The problem is sometimes, despite our greatest fantasies, love isn't always enough.
I can candidly admit that there are people (note the plural) that I have entered into a relationship with that I still love.
Did the relationship work out? No.
Did I truly love them then and even now... yes.
Because in each instance, the collective sum of the positive love-filled experiences SO FAR OUTWEIGHS the few bad ones that proved to unravel the relatonship that I find it very difficult not to think of these people on occasion and smile a big toothy grin. Sometimes it's simply impossible not to.
I am pretty confident at this point that there is the right person out there for me. It will come...just a matter of when. And when it does I will be a happy camper indeed. If we're lucky, she and I can even have a marriage ceremony that rivals the simply superb one that Ho and Mich had this weekend, though it will be pretty tough to beat theirs. But ya know something? Even then, I don't think my previous relationships will be washed away, be "ilegitimate" or insincere. Because I know there was love there. And they know there was love there. And no checkpoint list can ever prove otherwise. And that is beautiful...
Instead the love from past experiences can be viewed as stepping stones....to the ultimate one we find that neither person involved would ever dream of tearing down.
I hope you all have enjoyed my fortuitous sap onslaught. And with that, let me congratulate my sister and my new brother in law. May the force be with them.
In addition to the wedding, there are some other recent events (and even blog postings) that have once again brought the qestions of what is love? how do I find it? and how do I know that it's real? into the forefront.
Sometimes the raw emotion makes it obvious. The groom's crying during this weekend's ceremony comes to mind. It was really quite touching to watch, and quite frankly, I would not be at all surprised if the tears flow from my eyes on the day I get married. Tears of joy have got to be some of the most undeniably real things this life has to offer...and they are to be cherished.
But love is crazy....and as much as I wish it was, I'm afraid it is not completely black and white.
A post I read recently on somebody's blog put love in those terms. If "X" happens... they love you, if "Y" happens... they don't. And I found myself reading some of them and thinking... "Gee, I can see myself really loving someone in the bottom of my heart, and yet still doing some of the things which are being frowned upon by the writer, and I can see some of the things being lauded by the writer as potentially providing zero evidence as to whether somebody actually loves you."
When I was a kid, I really liked the movie Mrs. Doubtfire. (I know it's not Oscar worthy, but it came out when I was thirteen, so cut me some slack here) But even back then, there was one part of the movie that REALLY bothered me....(and I don't mean the whole man dressing up as a woman to see his kids thing...that's completely normal as far as I'm concerned). No what bothered me was the speech Robin Williams as Mrs. Doubtfire gives at the end of that film to the children of divorcees. HE says ..."Don't blame yourselves. Just because your mother and father do not love each other any more, it doesn't mean they don't love you"
That line thoroughly pissed me off at the time and it still does. While I have never been married, nor divoced, nor have had children, I take issue with the idea that every time a relationship doesn't work it's due to lack of love. Sometimes there are other reasons. I know what it is like to be deeply in love with somebody, yet unable to find a way out of unalterable circumstances which do not bode well for the long term future of the relationship.....and it sucks...and its painful, and there's almost nothing anyone can do about it..., but one thing that was never lacking when I was in that situation was love. The problem is sometimes, despite our greatest fantasies, love isn't always enough.
I can candidly admit that there are people (note the plural) that I have entered into a relationship with that I still love.
Did the relationship work out? No.
Did I truly love them then and even now... yes.
Because in each instance, the collective sum of the positive love-filled experiences SO FAR OUTWEIGHS the few bad ones that proved to unravel the relatonship that I find it very difficult not to think of these people on occasion and smile a big toothy grin. Sometimes it's simply impossible not to.
I am pretty confident at this point that there is the right person out there for me. It will come...just a matter of when. And when it does I will be a happy camper indeed. If we're lucky, she and I can even have a marriage ceremony that rivals the simply superb one that Ho and Mich had this weekend, though it will be pretty tough to beat theirs. But ya know something? Even then, I don't think my previous relationships will be washed away, be "ilegitimate" or insincere. Because I know there was love there. And they know there was love there. And no checkpoint list can ever prove otherwise. And that is beautiful...
Instead the love from past experiences can be viewed as stepping stones....to the ultimate one we find that neither person involved would ever dream of tearing down.
I hope you all have enjoyed my fortuitous sap onslaught. And with that, let me congratulate my sister and my new brother in law. May the force be with them.
posted by Mark at
5/24/2005
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